W. c. fields quotes

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I never eat before breakfast.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

You can't cheat an honest man.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

I drink therefore I am.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Never give a sucker an even break.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.