Tucker max quotes

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it's because they're afraid of rejection or they're afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

Fat girls aren’t real people.

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway--the list goes on

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.

No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

TV has a longer narrative, and TV's more like short stories. So there's less rules with TV; you can make it a little bit different. [With] movies, the medium has more constraints, so it was just about what stories are the most cinematic and the best resolution.

Before you're famous it's stuff that seems like it'd be really cool, but once you get it, you realize it's not bad, but it's kind of hollow and meaningless.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

You can't do anything yourself on TV... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)

I was stupid when I was 17 or 18. My thought process was that I thought that I was legitimately a hyper-genius, and so I wanted to go to the hardest academic school I could to see if I was really as smart as I thought I was.

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

Opinions are projections.

We had become those guys... who started a fight... at a Harry Potter book party.

Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.

To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it -- and you'll eventually get it.

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.

Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

My path to wisdom began when I stopped pretending to know things I didn't know. When I explicitly admitted to the limits of my knowledge, stopped building on ambiguity and ignorance, and instead realized that I knew nothing, not even the things I thought I knew.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't.

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

But here's the thing about being honest: All the liars HATE you for it, and most of the people in the world are liars. They lie to their bosses, they lie to their families, they lie to themselves, they lie so much they don't even know they're lying anymore. If you have the courage to be honest even a little bit all those people will hate you for it, because their lie is reflected in your honesty. Oscar Wilde wasn't kidding when he said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

Unless you plan on making academia your life, all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)

The dumbest women I hooked up with were in Florida. I lived in Florida for a year... and it was just shocking. I literally felt like after living there for a couple months that I had become stupider. It was unbelievable. If you read the stories on my site that are based around crazy women, about 75 percent of those women were in Florida… and I only lived there for a year.

Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend.

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

I'm not some movie star relying on a studio. I have my own fans and I earned them.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester.

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

The haters always scream the loudest.

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

It used to be that companies with industrial economies of scale created business success. Now, success will come from the information economies of scale, either the ones with complete breadth, or complete depth.

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.

Look at the scope of writers who sell stuff. I'm at the very top of the power curve in terms of sales.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.

You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning.

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.

I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them

Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.

The thing that I think about the most, and is the most rewarding to me, is the whole past. That I kind of went from nothing to something and I did it on my own, and I did it through hard work and smarts.

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for, but harder to keep.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

It is hard for me to be vulnerable, because I never learned how to do that. I was never vulnerable in a safe way.

Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future.

Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse.

I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you.

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

People have proven over and over that they will read if they are given something they like. The problem with reading is not reading, its that almost everything out there sucks. For so long, publishing has been run by a cartel of snobby pseudo-intellectual failed writers, and the resulting output has reflected not what the market wants, but what they think people are supposed to read.

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

And I’ve found that, what I now want the most in a woman is—I want a partner. I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other.

The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women'

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none.

Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that’s why no one cares about them anymore.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me.

I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore.

Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much.