Steven wright quotes

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

always remember your unique, just like everone else

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Half the people you know are below average.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?