Steve martin quotes

You want to be a bit compulsive in your art or craft or whatever you do.

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.

I'm not a human being. I'm despicable and disgusting - but that's where the money is.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

I just downloaded eleven hundred books onto my Kindle, and now I can’t lift it.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

I cannot smell mothballs because it's so difficult to get their little legs apart.

I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the words.

You have to get comfortable [with your work], you really have to know what you're doing, and it has to be almost boring to you to be able to do it well.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

I have no fear, no fear at all. I wake up, and I have no fear. I go to bed without fear. Fear, fear, fear, fear. Yes, 'fear' is a word that is not in my vocabulary.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl's leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

I am a wild and crazy guy!

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

Acting has helped me understand people, not only because you are acting as a character, but also because you are watching other actors work. That really helps you identify in life when someone is acting, not being true.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I was always very shy but as I get older I think, What am I being shy for? You just grow weary of your own hang-ups.

[her] mind blackens. The blackness is not a thought, but if it could be pressed into a thought, if a chemical from a dropper could be dripped onto it causing its color and essence to become visible, it would take the shape of this sentence: Why does no one want me?

It's pain that changes our lives.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.

But Carroll's were more convoluted, and they struck me as funny in a new way: 1) Babies are illogical. 2) Nobody is despised who can manage a crocodile. 3) Illogical persons are despised. Therefore, babies cannot manage crocodiles. And: 1) No interesting poems are unpopular among people of real taste. 2) No modern poetry is free from affectation. 3) All of your poems are on the subject of soap bubbles. 4) No affected poetry is popular among people of taste. 5) Only a modern poem would be on the subject of soap bubbles. Therefore, all your poems are uninteresting.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Being on Twitter is like having a fern.

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I was not naturally talented. I didn't sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

I always think back to my high school days and realize all the people who were so popular then are nowhere now and all the people who were steadfast and steady-going are somewhere. So high school doesn't necessarily translate to later in life.

Awards mean nothing to comedians. What matters is the audience, how you're doing - artistically, for the most part - at that moment.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

If you saw her in these moments, you might think she was collecting her thoughts in order to go forward. But I see it another way: Her mind is being overwhelmed by two processes that must simultaneously proceed at full steam. One is to deal with and live in the present world. The other is to re-experience and mourn something that happened long ago. It is as though her lightness pulls her toward heaven, but the extra gravity around her keeps her earthbound.

No art comes from the conscious mind.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

My problem is that I don't get the same exhiliration from success as I get depression from failure.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I think communication is so firsbern.

My most persistent memory of stand - up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the body delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next. Enjoyment while performing was rare - enjoyment would have been an indulgent loss of focus that comedy cannot afford.

What I mean is that none of my talents had a - what's that great word - rubric. A singer, an actor, a dancer - there was nothing I could really say I was. The writing came much later. And, actually, thank God, because if I had said I'm a singer, I would really have just had one thing to do.

Be undeniably good. When people ask me how do you make it in show business or whatever, what I always tell them & nobody ever takes note of it 'cause it's not the answer they wanted to hear-what they want to hear is here's how you get an agent, here's how you write a script, here's how you do this-but I always say, “Be so good they can't ignore you.” If somebody's thinking, “How can I be really good?” people are going to come to you. It's much easier doing it that way than going to cocktail parties.

I studied with the Maharishi for many years, and really didn't learn that much. But one thing that he taught me, I'll never forget: 'ALWAYS...' no, wait-- 'NEVER...' no, wait, it was 'ALWAYS carry a litter bag in your car. It doesn't take up much room, and if it gets full, you can toss it out the window.'

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

The conscious mind is the editor, and the subconscious mind is the writer.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

You can't really conduct your life by one or two phrases.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums.

Romance takes place when you first fall in love. It stirs all emotions and you can manipulate and be manipulated.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Comedy is not pretty.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.

When I die, now don't think that I'm a nut, don't want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it's going to work. And then you get the response. It's great when it's good.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say! Good!

A day with out sun shine is like..........night

I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

There's no better way to learn something than to learn it in front of an audience. Your terror drives you.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

Acting is collaborative because you are working with another actor, and it's almost like a two-man juggling team. You have to really be in sync.

Always make room for the unexpected in yourself.

I'm not trying to be a big shot or anything like that, but I get my drinks half price.

Dinosaurs did not walk with humans. The evolutionary record says different. They gambled.

When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall.

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

How many people have never raised their hand before?

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.

Talent is the ability to say things well, but genius is the ability to, well, say things.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

I will do anything to look like him - except, of course, exercise or eat right.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.

Teaching is, after all, a form of show business.

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

I don't think comic timing is the same as music timing, but I definitely find that I've learned from just writing in general that songs can be narrative without having a story.

All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts.

You can't make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tounge?

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct. The course was more plodding than heroic.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

The Apple Pie Hubbub was a significant novel for me, because that's when I first started using verbs.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it's almost impossible to predict what might occur even in the next decade. E-mail, which now sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.

They want me on the television shows now because I did so well on Celebrity Assholes.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

I don't really manage my time. I really just wait until I'm inspired to do something. And when I'm inspired to do something, it just happens.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, 'Hey, mind if I smoke?' I always say, 'No. Mind if I fart?

Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.

Home to me is when someone comes up to me and says, "Can I get a selfie?" No. It's where your wife and your family are. It's the emotional place where you feel like you're not away from it.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.