Stephen colbert quotes

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned marriage gay. And now he's coming after your glock.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Cynicism is an enormous problem. I'm actually a hopeful person. But the way to stay hopeful is to acknowledge and to not accept what is absolutely amoral, mentally ill behavior as normal.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.