Spike milligan quotes

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I told you I was sick.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

Its all in the mind, you know.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

God made nightButMan made darkness.

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

In the human race today, you came last.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

I'm Irish. We think sideways

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.