Scott adams quotes

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone.

Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.

If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible.

Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.

Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

You can change only what people know, not what they do.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.

The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you’re doing that already. If it means to act like you’re exempt from society’s influence, that’s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ‘be yourself’ is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.

The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.

Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish.

One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's why I try to avoid any knowledge that would spoil the sensation. Sometimes it isn't easy. People keep hurling knowledge at me, and I can't always duck.

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.

Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal is to lose ten pounds." Weight targets often work in the short run. But if you need willpower to keep the weight off, you're doomed in the long run. The only way to succeed in the long run is by using a system that bypasses your need for willpower.

Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Sadness is just another word for not enough coffee.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. This is why people of different religions can generally live in peace. At some level, we all suspect that other people don't believe their own religion any more than we believe ours.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.

The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - Wally's Keynote Speech

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.

The best things in life are silly.

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

Ideas are worthless. Execution is everything.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Mockery is an important social tool for squelching stupidity. I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

There's a fine line between participation and mockery.

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid.

No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.

The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.

The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure.

Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

If you’re going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don’t win, you’re usually no worse off than if you hadn’t played.

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over 200 years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes.

I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.

When did ignorance become a point of view?

You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it!

In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.

Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it.

Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

The longer you verk here, diverse it gets.

The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.