Sarah silverman quotes

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.

I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

I had a lot of depression as a kid.

I've always kept my overhead low so I could do whatever I want. I think of myself as lazy with spurts of getting a lot done. I find myself rooting against things sometimes because I get excited at the thought of a clean slate.

It's funny how people will think I'm being sarcastic a lot and joking. So I'll say, "I like your dress," and they'll go "(bleep) you!" Or I say something serious and they go, "Oh, yeah, ha-ha." They're strangers. They're people who know me from comedy, but luckily I am on pretty much all the time!

I love children. I'm embarrassingly baby-crazy.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.

Sometimes I am screwing around, and sometimes I get way too serious, but I am a pretty sincere person.

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!

I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.

Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know... because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years... but younger black women are prostitutes.

If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.

What makes Disney movies and Pixar movies always so good, hey take time and they're constantly honing, and tweaking, and rejiggering things, and taking influences from every cog, including myself, that can help. Any place where there can be inspiration. They make every moment very layered and very rich.

I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.

Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.

When I was three, my dad thought it would be hilarious to teach me swear words, then have me say them to his friends. They would laugh and laugh. I realize now the laugh was pure shock value, but it felt really good, and I've been chasing it ever since.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.

People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at the time.

The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.

I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Sometimes loving each other isn't enough. You have to be responsible for your own happiness. You can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of the unknown.

If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.

Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.

We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.

As soon as a woman is old enough to have an opinion and have a voice and be unafraid, she's very much encouraged by all sorts of people to crawl under a rock and die. And it's so weird. My crime is not dying.

My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.

I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

I don't need a lot of space.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.

The female nudity in movies is always sexualized.

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

I don't want to deconstruct what I do.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"

I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.

It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.

If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.

I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.

You have to take the chance to bomb and disappoint audiences.

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.

When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.

The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I'm not wanting and I don't live in a hovel, but if you keep your costs low, you can do what you want to do creatively.

One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."

People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.

When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.

If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out with comic friends - or bringing a basic idea on stage and seeing if it goes anywhere.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

I do enjoy and feel compelled to talk about things that are taboo. One, because I think I'm a troublemaker inside, if someone says, "Don't say that," it's all I want to say. And also, something I learned in therapy ... which is darkness can't exist in the light, and then that made me think of something that Mr. Rogers said, which is, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable."

The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.

People say, like, "I love when you smile because part of your mouth goes up," then I never organically smile again.

Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.

A bull in just about any shop is gonna be a mess.

When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.

I was Minnie Mouse for Halloween, every year when I was little. Then, I had the Cinderella nightgown, when I was really little, that I begged my mother to wear to school. I was also Snow White a lot.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

Like I said about Seinfeld and Chris Rock, they're a great combination of brilliance and hard work. [But] there are people who are brilliant and don't work hard, and there are people who are brilliant and sabotage themselves.

[I'm] almost positive there is no God.

I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

We deserve quality lives with equality.

I don't really like saying "the gays"... I'm not sure why. I suppose I say "the Jews." but I don't say "the blacks." I guess because I'm a Jew for all intents and purposes and to group people together of which I am not one in such a casual way feels disrespectful.

I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.

Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it. That said, critiquing women's human shells isn't my thang. Though there's probably something funny or interesting to be said about those who do it, and what that comes from.

In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.

I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves.

I have no religion, but I can't escape being extremely Jewish ethnically - that is, culturally. In other words, I'm not religious, but I worry and I'm neurotic. And I'm very good with money.

I'm lucky because I intentionally keep my overhead low, and so I can say, "No, thank you."

I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.

I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.

That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.

You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.

Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror.

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.