Roseanne barr quotes

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

I used to play Barbies with my Mormon neighbor friend; it was always, "Oh, we're going to go on a date. Ken's taking us out, and we're going with Ken on a date." And I was like, "We're parachuting behind enemy lines to save the Jews." That's how I played Barbies. I was told when I was a girl that every Jewish woman has to have five children to replace three fifths of our people that were killed. That's how I was raised.

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!

You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.

We had no religion at all, but we were Jews in New Hampshire, and my sister - who is now a rabbi - said it best: We were, like, the only Jews in Bedford, New Hampshire, as well as the only Democrats, so we just kind of associated those two things together. My dad raised us to believe that paying taxes is an honor.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated ... But enough about the pork.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.

Abortion is a woman's right.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.

Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

Part of my platform is, of course, the guilty must be punished and that we no longer let our children see their guilty leaders getting away with murder. Because it teaches children, you know, that they don’t have to have any morals as long as they have guns and are bullies and I don’t think that's a good message. . . . I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Being nuts is its own reward.

Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who can't teach gym become experts. That's who we look to for answers these days-the people telling you how to make your marriage work. Men telling women how to raise their self-esteem. The only thing that cures everything is talking to people who have the same problem you do. The rest is just a moneymaking bullshit scheme that some asshole is getting rich on.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.

Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.

Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.

The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment Roseanne dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life.

I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.

My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.

Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refuses to save our union from these traitors by doing nothing needs to be recalled.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?