Rodney dangerfield quotes

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.