Rita rudner quotes

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?