Phyllis diller quotes

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

All mothers are working mothers.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

self-pity is better than none.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.