Matt groening quotes

Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

With 'Futurama,' I was just worried that somebody would beat us to it; it seemed so obvious that there should be an animated science fiction show set in the future. And one of the reasons why it's not, I learned, is that it's really, really difficult.

You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but usually the jelly drips out all over the side and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it? You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I've just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Goodbye, my wife.

I promise I'll do anything for you, especialy if it's easy. Homer Simpson

The nice thing about 'Futurama' for me personally was that it was a way to honor some of the traditional ideas in literary science fiction, not so much movie or television science fiction - although we have that too, obviously. Our situation, a workplace comedy, led to all sorts of stuff.

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I will do it again.

I was very disturbed when Jesus found a demon in a guy, and he put the demon in a herd of pigs, then sent them off a cliff. What did the pigs do? I could never figure that out. It just seemed very un-Christian. Technically, I'm an agnostic, but I definitely believe in hell -- especially after watching the fall TV schedule.

Keep your expectations tiny you'll go through life not so whiney.

A lot of people believe that if everybody just did what they were told - obeyed - everything would be fine. But that's not what life is all about. That's not real. It's never going to happen.

The thing that makes me happiest about Simpsons Illustrated are all the drawings that we get from readers. I wish we could print them all. They're really imaginative. They show a lot of hard work.

I was always frightened by taverns. They just seemed like very unpleasant places to go.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Sometimes people try to read into my strip and find out what my state of mind is. And I can say if I'm in a good mood, generally the comic strip starts out in a good mood, but the punchline is very negative and sour.

The French are funny, sex is funny, and comedies are funny, yet no French sex comedies are funny.

I want it to go on, but I want us to go out on top.

The conundrum that I face on a daily basis is that I have two sons who have grown up watching 'The Simpsons,' so they know exactly what buttons to push. They know how Bart irritates Homer, and they use these lines against me to tell me that I'm not funny anymore.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I don't mind sharing the blame if she'll just admit she started it.

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else.

A lot of our writers, like Conan O'Brien, moved on to other things.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I've been deadline-driven for my whole grown-up life, and that hasn't gone away. It is nice to be able to reflect about the big picture, about what kind of stories you want to tell, and how to take advantage of success.

I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than parents have.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The really great thing about having two TV shows going on at the same time is that I can go to one and say that I have to go and visit the other and then I can just go home and they don't know.

But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!

I'm a fan of animation and so, the more stuff that doesn't look like the other stuff that's out there, I'm in favor.

I think in daily newspapers, the way comic strips are treated, it's as if newspaper publishers are going out of their way to kill the medium.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.

American culture has a lot of great moustaches in its history. Mark Twain had a great moustache, Charlie Chaplin, Ben Turpin ... but Zappa, he's got the best moustache in American history. Got the moustache, right, and he's got that little thing on his chin, I think it's called an imperial, that is, like, the coolest thing. That's like one of the great icons of the twentieth century.

Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons." --Mr. Burns

Because good writing in a TV cartoon is so rare, I think the animation on The Simpsons is often overlooked.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Humor does depend on surprise, and the things that people remember as the funniest things in the world, you look at later and you go, "What? What was that all about?"

NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

The entire world of grown-ups is corrupt and stupid.

I think human beings probably resonate with audiences more than bunnies, but who knows?

I always thought that television was the way to go in my goal to invade pop culture because it got to towns in which there were no bookstores. That's how I used to think of it: How do I reach kids who not only don't read but probably have no access to much in the way of books?

You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

'The Simpsons' is an especially collaborative show.

Living creatively is really important to maintain throughout your life. And living creatively doesn't mean only artistic creativity, although that's part of it. It means being yourself, not just complying with the wishes of other people.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

In 'Futurama,' the skin color is no longer yellow. They have actually evolved to cartoon skin tone. But they still have four fingers.

'The Simpsons' basically - and 'Futurama' - are really smart shows. They're kind of disguised as these goofy animated sitcoms, but the references within the shows, if you're paying attention, are pretty smart and pretty sophisticated.

Nihilism in American comedy came along way before 'The Simpsons.' There was a fairly nihilistic point of view to 'Saturday Night Live,' for instance, back in the beginning, and a lot of really dark comedy had a really anti-sentimental take on life.

The thing about a cartoon is, you can do whatever you want. The tightrope that we are walking on 'The Simpsons' and 'Futurama' is "How do you continue to surprise the audience, but make them good surprises?" Not every surprise is good, but you want to continue jolting people.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!" Homer Simpson

I pledge impertinence to the flag waving, of the unindicted co-conspirators of America, and to the republicans for which I can't stand, one abomination, underhanded fraud, indefensible, with Liberty and Justice.. Forget it.

Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

With animation because you can draw anything and do anything and have the characters do whatever you want the tendency is to be very loose with the boundaries and the rules.

Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wiseguy?

Well, most grown-ups forget what it was like to be a kid. I vowed that I would never forget.

I may be biting off more than I can chew, but with 'The Simpsons' and with 'Futurama,' what I'm trying to do in the guise of light entertainment, if this is possible - is nudge people, jostle them a little, wake them up to some of the ways in which we're being manipulated and exploited.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

My standard comment is, If you don't want your kids to be like Bart Simpson, don't act like Homer Simpson.

I would prefer to listen to a French classical composer like Olivier Messiaen than to the pop hits of the day.

I loved literary science fiction. In fact, as a kid, when I was reading science fiction, I thought 'I can't wait for the future when the special effects are good' to represent what was in these books by Arthur C. Clarke, Alfred Bester, Philip K. Dick, J.G. Ballard, Jack Vance.

Since I was there in the very beginning, I know the history of the characters. So, I make comments about the tone and sometimes remind the writers that we've done that before.

I draw a weekly comic strip called Life in Hell, which is syndicated in about 250 newspapers. That's what I did before The Simpsons, and what I plan to do for the rest of my life.

You toyed with my heart, like it was a toy heart. (Lisa Simpson)

I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Cartooning is for people who can't quite draw and can't quite write. You combine the two half-talents and come up with a career.

Homer no function beer well without.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

I also found child's play - stuff that was not considered serious, but goofy - was the stuff I liked to do, so I still do it as an adult.

I thought I was going to make crazy cartoons for the rest of my life. I didn't think I'd ever get paid for it, didn't think I drew well enough, but I knew it made me happy.

Our solution on 'The Simpsons' is to do jokes that people who have an education, or some frame of reference, can get. And for the ones who don't, it doesn't matter, because we have Homer banging his head and saying, 'D'oh!'

'The Simpsons' from the very beginning was based on our memories of brash '60s sitcoms - you had a main title theme that was bombastic and grabbed your attention - and when you look at TV shows of the 1970s and '80s, things got very mild and toned down and... obsequious.

'The Simpsons' was about children and married parents; 'Futurama' is about people in between; they're growing up and haven't settled down. Every other cartoon show seemed to be, you know, dumb dad, bratty kids.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on." Homer Simpson

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Warning signs that lover is bored: 1. Passionless kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address.

I'm a writer who just happens to draw.

The world ends when I die. And as far as I'm concerned, the rest of the universe might as well call it a day too.

If God didn't want us to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon." Lisa Simpson

One of the great things about the Internet is that you can read what everybody has to say about everything. It is fascinating to me, the critiques about humor by people who have no sense of humor.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

I didn't lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth.

Most TV shows don't reward you for paying attention.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow and to the republicrats for which they scam: one nacho, underpants with licorice and jugs of wine for owls.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

I judge my life by how miserable it used to be. If I could pay my rent, I was deliriously happy. Now I'm deliriously happy all the time.

I think people who work in comedy and humor are hesitant to analyze it too much, because you feel like if you take it apart, you'll break it and not be able to put it back together again.

Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you! — Russ Cargill

Don't have a cow, man.

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

I went to Bali, and I was in a small village, and somebody who was with me showed a woman a little figurine of Bart and asked: 'Do you know who this is?' And she said: 'Mickey Mouse.'

'The Simpsons' obviously is a huge success, and Fox has nothing to do with its success, with its creative success, and as a result they don't really like the show. They don't like 'The Simpsons' at Fox.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

There's always room out there for the hand-drawn image. I personally like the imperfection of hand drawing as opposed to the slick look of computer animation. But you can do good stuff either way. The Pixar movies are amazing in what they do, but there's plenty of independent animators who are doing really amazing things as well.

When will people learn? Democracy doesn't work!" (Homer Simpson)

On 'The Simpsons,' I will say that we definitely like to comment on what's going on in the world, and we try to be funny. If we can figure out a way of being funny about it, then we've gone part of the way of accomplishing our task.

With "Futurama," I wanted to do unrequited love, and David Cohen agreed, and although our original plan was never to have Fry and Leela get together, we finally just said, "You can only string the fans along so far."

When DVDs finally disappear, I'm going to be sad. I'll miss the commentaries.

The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are debating whether or not to go for the gusto, ask yourself this important question: "How long am I going to be dead?" With that perspective, you can now make a free, fearless choice to do just about any goddamned sneaky thing your devious little mind can think up. Go ahead. Have your fun. You're welcome. Go on. See you in hell.

I like the 'Simpsons' pinball machines. Those are pretty great.

Everybody is clever, just in their own ways

If I have one technology tip of the day, it's this: No matter how good the video on YouTube is, don't read the comments, just don't, because it will make you hate all humans.

Back in high school, I wrote a novel about a character named Bart Simpson. I thought it was a very unusual name for a kid at the time. I had this idea of an angry father yelling "Bart," and Bart sounds kind of like bark - like a barking dog.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say.