Kinky friedman quotes

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.

Remember, I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

Most people, of course, spend their lives caring about the wrong things. The worry about South Africa or Nicaragua. They spend so much time finding themselves that they lose their taxicabs. They don't see that what kind of napkin you get at a delicatessen is a matter of much significance in the world today. That's why they don't get linen.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

I suffer from the curse of being multi-talented. There's no doubt about it. Politics and literature have gotten in the way of songwriting.

I want to see a Jew in the White house.

We're all worm bait waiting to happen. It's what you do while you wait that matters.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

And I'll tell you another thing, you won't find any candidate that supports prayer in school and gay marriage. For that reason alone, people should vote for an independent-thinking person.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I'm not afraid to live. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to succeed. I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

If Jesus Christ had run as an independent, Rick Perry would have beat him.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

Now I have a cat. Well, that's not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

There are more inspirational people in music than there are in politics.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

The child-teacher relationship is crucial.

You never marry the person you first see 'Casablanca' with.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

May the God of your choice bless you.

Happiness is a moving target.

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

My plan is to bring back like the Bracero Program from 1944 that ran for 20 years where the Mexican government vets these people. I mean, they pay for it, and they get green cards, and they're actually legitimate. And then seal the border.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

My definition of an artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

Always beware of people offering you one-time money. That only works in an election year. How are you going to permanently pay for education?

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you.

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

The art of writing fiction is to sail as dangerously close to the truth as possible without sinking the ship

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

You've got to find what you love and let it kill you. I don't think any of us should ever forget that.

Sleep came slower than a frigid woman.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

The only thing that really differentiates Texas from any other place in the world is the proclivity of its people to urinate outdoors and to attach a certain amount of importance to this popular pastime.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

The reason educational spending in Texas is so low is because you don't have a state tax there, and that's why Texas is big growth because you don't tax people to death.

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

I'm also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won't let them get married. So that's not common sense.

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

If Raymond Chandler came from the South, his name would be Ace Atkins.

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

If you're going to be an artist, you need to be an original.

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

When you record something, you never know who's going to hear it.

I don't feel bad about losing.

The people I respect all died broke and despairing. They didn't leave a lot of hammered iron behind them like Donald Trump has done.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

The system is not perfect. Until it's perfect, let's do away with the death penalty.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

I don't see how the people who created the problem can fix it. Texas is worth fighting for, and the best way to fight is to get the politicians out of politics.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

Sometimes performing someone else's song is more difficult than writing your own.

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart. And both of them were independents, by the way.

My three favorite travel writers of all time are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, and Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying not only tells the truth about the travel-writing racket, it gets to the heart of some of the travel industry's best-kept secrets.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

I've achieved many of my dreams, and I want to see that some others get a chance to, especially younger Texans.

Young people are the key to this election.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

That's the government. Having been a politician and a musician, I can tell you which one is a higher calling. If musicians ran the country, it would be a much different place. We wouldn't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'd work late.

The good teachers are bailing out. Education is very important.... This should be the centerpiece on the table of Texas.

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

Wandering around back stage at a willie Nelson concert is a bit like being the parrot on the shoulder of the guy who's running the Ferris wheel. It's not the best seat in the house, but you see enough lights, action, people, and confusion to make you wonder if anybody knows what the hell's going on. If you're sitting out front, of course, it all rolls along as smoothly as a German train schedule, but as Willie, like any great magician, would be the first to point out, the real show is never in the center ring. As Willie always says, Fortunately, we're not in control.

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

There will be a whole new spirit blowing through Texas. There will be a smile on everybody's face and a chill up the spine of every politician.

But the most dangerous thing in the world in the world is to run the risk of waking up one morning and realizing suddenly that all this time you've been living without really and truly living and by then it's too late. When you wake up to that kind of realization, it's too late for wishes and regrets. It's even too late to dream.

I don't think where people come from is that important. It doesn't matter if you come from reality TV. The question is whether you can inspire people.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

They probably would've taken Jesus if he hadn't been nailed down.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere.

Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage, divorce, love, death, or even winning the lottery can, and sometimes more.

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.