Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.
You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.
If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.
I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.
I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.
I could eat a knob at night.
I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.
You don't get anything done by planning
Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.
We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?
It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.
I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.
Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.
Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.
Every problem solved is a problem made.
I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'
What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.
People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.
You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.
The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.
At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.
People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.
All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.
If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.
When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep.
I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.
Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.
If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.
We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about
Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.
We're just a weed in the universe
If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good
I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.
Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again.
It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.
There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.
That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.
She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?
Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer.
If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
If you can't do it, don't do it.
Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.
I saw a bee have a heart attack.
If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.
I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.
If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.
Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.
I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.
What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.
I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting.
If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?
Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.
I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.
The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.
People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.
That impresses me more, inventin' electricity.
The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.
I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'
They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.
Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!
It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.
People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!
I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.
Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.
I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse
People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.
In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
A problem solved is a problem caused.
I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.
People say if bees die out, the world would end apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document and people believe this.
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
We all just want to sit on our ass.
The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.
I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.
We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.
I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.
We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species...
With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.
I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.
Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?
I'm just sayin', I don't like fun.
The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’
We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.
I came up with a good idea... see-through skin.
There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it.
I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut.
Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.
Every step starts with a step.
It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey
For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.
Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.
Your dreams should never be better than your real life
I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.
Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.
Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.
Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.
Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.
A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?
Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.
A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.
They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
