Johnny vegas quotes

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.

Never try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.

I struggle as a writer, and I'm convinced that if I was at school now, I'd be termed as having ADS. Two minutes and I'm drifting.

I still give myself the right to be highly critical of others, though.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

My agent once said, 'You're not very driven.' And it's true. I'm not the type to ring up and go, 'Get me this part!'

I've always said that with kids' TV that people get stuck in it from drama school but that's not fair because I know myself that when you go in creatively, kids are so much more open to ideas. You're so much freer to mess about and try things.

I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.

If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out.

My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.

You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.

Class still matters in Britain today.

I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!

You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.

I think it sort of dawns on you that if you're not gigging constantly you're not actually relevant. You may be relevant to a different part of the media now, to television commissioners and editors, but to a young live-comedy audience you're not, really.

The people on the QVC shopping channel convince me that life is worth living. They see the good in everything. People who go to counselling should actually go to a room with a QVC seller for half an hour and let them find the qualities within them. For example, they'd look at me and say, 'To anybody else this looks like a stomach but, actually, his feet never get wet in the rain.

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

Being 'Johnny' was almost like an out of body experience. I thought he was just a character that I'd created and could quite easily step away from, but it was much more difficult than that.

I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.

It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.

I sang 'American Pie' a lot in my stage set. It had a knack of uniting an audience in a sing-along. It's a clever song about American history but wrapped in a fantastic tune.

The idea of being on TV 24 hours a day and people seeing the real me... No.

I hate flying, airports and the whole rigmarole - queuing up, security and lost luggage.

There's a domino effect with certain things you say.

I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.

I get obsessed with decorations and decorating the house. I keep it tasteful outside, but when you get inside it is a bit like Blackpool illuminations, I go bonkers!

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.

You don't want to be flattered and become big-headed by getting awards. But, well, I am.

I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.

I think I'm realising more and more that I've got a job to do and I can't be doing the big nights out and working to my full potential the next day. I feel much better for it.

Oh, I'm terrible at travel.

Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.

My first holiday to San Francisco in 1998-99 was supposed to be a two-week vacation but I ended up staying five weeks and nearly didn't come home.

It can be tough as a jobbing actor.

I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.

There is something more spiritual to us than what we are on this earth, but how you access it I'm not sure.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

I've always been looking for other people's approval.

I'm loath to use my personal life to promote what I do, but at the same time, I don't like a journalist going away with no more than you could get off Wikipedia, where most of it's invented anyway.

For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.

I've got my finger in a lot of pies.

You know, there's that temptation in interviews to make yourself sound - well, to give yourself a bit of mystery.

I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.

Some comics are in it for what they can get out of it. Others are in it for a love of comedy. I think those that are in it for a genuine love of comedy find each other within the circuit and become friends.

There have been times I've finished a big job and thought, 'Great, a couple of weeks off.' But then a couple of weeks turns to three weeks and then after a month you're staring at the phone willing it to ring.

I think if you're at the point where you're popular enough to sell your wedding photos to OK! Magazine then you don't need the money.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

Writing a book about yourself is like therapy, and you go 'Oh My God, that's the reason that happened.' Writing about it, you're forced to really examine things.

I use very few muscles at the best of times.

You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.

I used to attract a lot of feeders. I'd be quite happy to be locked in someone's flat and fed liquidised burgers.

I was loved as a kid; I was raised with more love and emotional support than most folks could wish for my memories aged nought to ten are all bound up together in a mesh of innocence and fun.

Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.

I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.

We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.

I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.

I avoid any kind of organised trips as that's one of my bugbears.