Check out the very best of Hollywood jokes that will make you laugh
Any actress who appears in public without being well-groomed is digging her own grave.
I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend.
Make your wardrobe as versatile as an actress. It should be able to play many roles.
I had always known what I wanted, and that was beauty... in every form... a beautiful house, beautiful man, a beautiful life and image. I was ambitious to get the money which would attain all that for me.
Not that anyone cares, but there's a right and wrong way to clean a house.
Hollywood is like life, you face it with the sum total of your equipment.
1. Find your own style and have the courage to stick to it. 2. Choose your clothes for your way of life. 3. Make your wardrobe as versatile as an actress. It should be able to play many roles. 4. Find your happiest colours - the ones that make you feel good. 5. Care for your clothes, like the good friends they are!
Life deals from the bottom, sometimes, doesn't it?
The 1930s Hollywood was capable of hurting me so much. The things about Hollywood that could hurt me (when I first came) can't touch me now. I suddenly decided that they shouldn't hurt me - that was all.
Send me flowers while I'm alive. They won't do me a damn bit of good after I'm dead.
Choose your clothes for your way of life.
If I weren't a Christian Scientist, and I saw "Trog" advertised on a marquee across the street, I'd think I'd contemplate suicide.
I need sex for a clear complexion, but I'd rather do it for love.
Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite ta a party.
Well, we can skip childhood because I didn't have any. Not one goddam moment on the Good Ship Lollipop.
[To the mother of two unruly children in a restaurant after the woman said she really didn't know what to do with her children:] Have you tried infanticide?
It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina for reasons which are well known to them.
Dammit, don't you dare ask God to help me!
I remember most clearly when a teenage Christopher spat in my face. He said, "I hate you". It's pretty hard to overlook that. I couldn't.
They were grooming Doris Day to take over the top spot. Jack L. Warner asked me to play her sister in one picture. I said, "Come on, Jack. No one could ever believe that I would have Doris Day for a sister."
If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.
There was a saying around MGM: "Norma Shearer got the productions, Greta Garbo supplied the art, and Joan Crawford made the money to pay for both".
all that time hanging around the sets, watching Norma Shearer make the most of her three expressions, was a help.
Be afraid of nothing.
There's nothing wrong with my tits, but I don't go around throwing them in people's faces!
My God, I'm four hundred years old and the most I can do is look three hundred.
Sensitive husbands don't like second billing. I don't believe Franchot ever for a moment resented the fact that I was a star. Possibly he resented Hollywood's refusal to let him forget it. There was never a doubt in my mind that his talent was greater than mine.
If you start watching the oldies, you're in trouble. I feel ancient if "Grand Hotel" or "The Bride Wore Red" comes on. I have a sneaking regard for "Mildred Pierce", but the others do nothing for me.
I'd like to think every director I've worked with has fallen in love with me, I know Dorothy Arzner did.
You know the troubles I've had with my two older children. I can't understand why it turned out so badly. I tried to give them everything. I loved them and tried to keep them near me, even when they didn't return my love. Well, I couldn't make them love me, but they could have shown some respect. I couldn't insist on love, but I could insist on respect.
When television killed comedy and love stories, the movie makers went in slugging. They offered the downbeat, the degenerate as competition. This seems to me to be a sad campaign for Hollywood to use to combat box office disaster.
Women's Lib? Poor little things. They always look so unhappy. Have you noticed how bitter their faces are?
Care for your clothes, like the good friends they are
Sure, I'd play an ape if they asked me. Maurice Evans did.
Box-office poison? Mr. Louis B. Mayer always asserted that the studio had built Stage 22, Stage 24 and the Irving Thalberg Building, brick by brick, from the income on my pictures.
If I can't be me, I don't want to be anybody. I was born that way.
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
I have always known what I wanted, and that was beauty... in every form.
I absolutely will not allow anyone to call me grandmother. They can call me Auntie Joan, Dee-Dee, Cho-Cho, anything but grandmother. It pushes a woman almost to the grave.
Of all the actresses ... to me, only Faye Dunaway has the talent and the class and the courage it takes to make a real star.
My tears speak for me.
Nobody can imitate me. You can always see impersonations of Katharine Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. But not me. Because I've always drawn on myself only.
You have to be self-reliant and strong to survive in this town. Otherwise you will be destroyed.
Then there's that 'You're only as old as you feel' business, which is true to a point, but you can't be Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollipop forever. Sooner or later, dammit, you're old.
Mr. Cukor is a hard task-master, a fine director and he took me over the coals giving me the roughest time I have ever had. And I am eternally grateful.
If you've earned a position, be proud of it. Don't hide it. I want to be recognized. When I hear people say, 'There's Joan Crawford!' I turn around and say, 'Hi! How are you!'
If you have an ounce of common sense and one good friend you don't need an analyst.
While making "Possessed", I wept each morning on my drive to the studio, and I wept all the way back home. I found it impossible to sleep at night, so I'd lie in bed contemplating the future. I fear it with all my heart and soul even as I fear the dark.
I was a strict disciplinarian, perhaps too strict at times, but my God, without discipline what is life?
I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.
Sensitive husbands don't like second billing.
I was born in front of a camera and really don't know anything else
If you throw a lamb chop in the oven, what's to keep it from getting done?
The Democratic party is one that I've always observed. I have struggled greatly in life from the day I was born and I am honored to be apart of something that focuses on working class citizens and molds them into a proud specimen. Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Kennedy have done so much in that regard for the two generations they've won over during their career course.
Learn to breathe, learn to speak, but first... learn to feel.
I used to wash my hands every ten minutes. I couldn't step out of the house unless I had gloves on. I wouldn't smoke a cigarette unless I opened the pack myself, and I would never use another cigarette out of that pack if someone else had touched it.
I think that the most important thing a woman can have - next to talent, of course - is her hairdresser.
I had read the criticisms of me and my movies and they were discerning. They said that Crawford needs a new deal, and they asked if I was doomed to explore forever the emotional misfortunes of the super-sexed modern young woman. And so, to break away from the pattern, I wanted to do "The Gorgeous Hussy". Selznick laughed at me. 'You can't do a costume picture. You're too modern.' But I begged and begged and begged, and so they let me do it. I was totally miscast.
Find your happiest colours - the ones that make you feel good.
