Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'
You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right
This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!
You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.
You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication
You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.
You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.
Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.
You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
I really don't require a whole lot in life.
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to.
You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.
A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."
You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
