Henny youngman quotes

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.