Groucho marx quotes

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

What have future generations ever done for us?

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Time wounds all heels.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Blood's not thicker than money.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

Always examine the dice.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now