Greg behrendt quotes

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

Well, I knew instantly when I met my wife what a good relationship it was, compared with what I had been doing for the previous 20-odd years. She is my buddy, my partner, my friend. And part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

...you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.

I don't know" means "NO!" "I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation." "I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.

Ive learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

big plans require big action

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Don't waste the pretty

Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

He doesn't need to be reminded you're great.

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.

The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?

Beware of the word 'friend'. It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of.

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

I'm fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.

The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself

The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.