Emo philips quotes

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.