Dennis miller quotes

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

I rant, therefore I am

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want to keep my nose out of other people's personal business. I guess I fall into conservative when it comes to protecting the United States in a world where a lot of people hate the United States.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple fact they've always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends and are almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to wishes of their enemies. And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in.

Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.

Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job.

I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.