Demetri martin quotes

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Most stick people are black.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.