David letterman quotes

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.

Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

Life experience is the best teacher.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.

Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

Everyday is a compromise.

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Do good things for other people.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.

There just isn't enough televised Chess

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.

New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.