Daniel tosh quotes

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.