Dane cook quotes

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I'm a late-night guy.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I won't take no for a question.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye"!

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

I get so into the moment.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'