Bob saget quotes

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

I have no agenda, nothing to control.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that Ive had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitzs play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

When you have a good time there is no time.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

Valuable people are undervalued.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Everyone I love I pay.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.