Bill cosby quotes

When you introduce competition into the public school system, most studies show that schools start to do better when they are competing for students.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.

Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He's very, very busy.

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.

Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I have to follow my thoughts and mine for the gold. I have to dig it out.

I don't think you can bring the races together by joking about the differences between them. I'd rather talk about the similarities, about what's universal in their experiences.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

My grandfather said, "When you become senile, you won't know it."

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

Romance is a different word than sexual contact.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The heart of marriage is memories.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.

Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point... and they're still yelling.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.

The most important educational vehicle in all life is a parent figure.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Zip zop wop boopity bop.

I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.

YOU are a genius!... and I am a genius because I married you.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Criticizing is easy, art is difficult.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing ... will win arguments and straighten people out.

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.

You'll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you'll never need a friend.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right

If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head.

Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.

My feeling is, personally, I want to die first... because I believe that when you die, your soul goes immediately up for judgment - and I don't want my wife up there first. No, the judgment will be horrendous.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

No matter what you think-life goes on and the world still turns and the universe has its own story. The most we can do is plan anyway, but understand, be humbled by things greater than ourselves.

Violence won't solve a thing. It makes it more challenging to solve, though.

Don't let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

You can't be everything to everyone

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

You can't compete with Walmart. But you can have smaller businesses that are successful.

I think you need to make responsibility something that's not just a word.

I didn't like what was on TV in terms of sitcoms—it had nothing to do with the color of them—I just didn't like any of them. I saw little kids, let's say 6 or 7 years old, white kids, black kids. And the way they were addressing the father or the mother, the writers had turned things around, so the little children were smarter than the parent or the caregiver. They were just not funny to me. I felt that it was manipulative and the audience was looking at something that had no responsibility to the family.

There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

The game of chess. Supposedly men made it up, and it's about war and men and the ravages and the bravery and the genius of commanding and moving pieces and ... No. It's marriage. The Queen moves anywhere she wants.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

We are the only animals that let our kids come back home.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

All parents experience the same problems.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

we cannot afford to settle for being just average; we must learn as much as we can to be the best that we can. The key word is education - education with maximum effort. Without it, we cannot be in charge of ourselves or anyone else.

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Every father says the same thing: “Where's your mother?”

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I can't even talk the way these people talk. 'Why you ain't?' 'Where you is?' Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.

Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.

Don't talk yourself into not being you.

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying I love you. His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, We're going here, we're going there, he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Parenting needs to come to the forefront.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

A father... knows exactly what those boys at the mall have in their depraved little minds because he once owned such a depraved little mind himself. In fact, if he thinks enough about the plans that he used to have for young girls, the father not only will support his wife in keeping their daughter home but he might even run over to the mall and have a few of those boys arrested.

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, I love children because they're so honest. There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.

If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.

I was'nt always black. there was this freckel that just grew and grew.

Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to.

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.

We're not raising children with the love that we need to.

Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.