Artie lange quotes

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

It's good to be alive.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.