Andy rooney quotes

I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

Some people who hated Americans set out to kill a lot of us and they succeeded [on 9/11]....We're trying to protect ourselves with more weapons. We have to do it, I guess, but it might be better if we figured out how to behave as a nation in a way that wouldn't make so many people in the world want to kill us.

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!

In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they've done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals--although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion - as long as it agrees with ours.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

Familiar things are a comfort to us all.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

People like to say, "You're only as old as you feel," but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

... all of us talk faster than we listen.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.

Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.

Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it comes to religion.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

Most of the people in the world are good and decent if you give them a chance to be.

In the United States alone, we spend seven times as much on war as on education. There's something wrong there. On this Memorial Day, we should certainly honor those who have died at war, but we should dedicate this day, not so much to their memory, but to the search for a way to end the idiocy of the wars that killed them.

There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.

Believing is such a comfort that it's hard to give up a belief just because it isn't true.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

Unfortunately, propaganda works.

Most of us aren't that interested in getting rich- we just don't want to get poor.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.

Don't keep saying, "I don't know where the time goes." It goes the same place it's always gone and no one has ever known where that is.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

Republicans ... are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then set out to get all we can for ourselves by working hard for it, that things will be better for everyone. They are not insensitive to the poor, but tend to think the poor are impoverished because they won't work. They think there would be fewer of them to feel sorry for if the government did not encourage the proliferation of the least fit among us with welfare programs.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Walking is good for the soul.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Being kind is more important than being right.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.