Ambrose bierce quotes

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.

Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.

Even the laws of justice themselves cannot subsist without mixture of injustice.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Romans the censor was an inspector of public morals, but the public morals of modern nations will not bear inspection.

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.

If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life; hence its name- liver, the thing we live with.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

INADMISSIBLE- Not competent to be considered. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible ... but there is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.

Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.

A nation that will not enforce its laws has no claim to the respect and allegiance of its people.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.

Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do "me"?

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.

A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods.

LIAR, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

To the eye of failure success is an accident.

Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect — don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.